Rich@Heart

The Presentation alone is fantastic.

Climax - Usher & Diplo

As a kid I remember I was very reckless, even sometimes did things to go against the grain, knowing that they would cause more harm than good Just for the sake of defiance.

I was also very insecure as a kid, mainly it was because I wasn’t sure in who I was, but what made my experience unique is that I understood why I was insecure and knowing that, I was able to play with those insecurities and use them to my advantage.

I wasn’t the cute guy in class, didn’t have the best body or whatever superficial things that come with being considered hot. Because of that as I got older I wanted to defy those beliefs people had. I wanted to be attractive to people not because I fit the cookie cutter look, but because I had unique things about me.

I don’t remember what made me believe that, but once I knew that I was going to embrace every “ugly” part of my body and make myself like it and hopefully that confidence would make me attractive.

My scar:

I had this scar since I was 4 years old. I always said growing up that when I get older I was going to fix it. I don’t know how but I would. This scar always made me stand out from the crowd. Even to this day I think people form assumptions about me based on that. This scar was the first thing I learned to embrace about me.

My White Skin Marks:

When I began dating I was nervous to get intimate with people because I was afraid they would see those marks and not be attracted to me, but actually this was the easiest thing to embrace about myself.

My Chipped front tooth :

As soon as I chipped it, I fixed it. That was the end of it. Then in 09 on my way to a funeral of Alex I chipped it again. I could’ve fixed it, but I remember clearly one person made such a big deal about it and me getting it fixed. That defiance I had for years, that mentality of wanting to be attractive for unique “ugly” reasons made me want to keep it that way. I said to myself, if someone is going to find me ugly because I have a chipped tooth then fuck them!! I battled myself for years trying to figure out what made me attractive and my tooth wasn’t even thing that was on that list.

Till this day I know people who judge me for that, for that chipped tooth. That looks like a gap, but isn’t. I actually like it, but have I come to terms with it? No! I still don’t smile in photos, I still find myself wanting to fix it….why? Because I know sometimes even smiling is a conscious decision when I know smiling should be an effortless thing.

So after 3 years I’ve decided to get it fixed, because honestly. I personally don’t like what I see. I thought it was something I could embrace, but cannot.

This is coming from me, from a boy who once had bells palsy and was made fun of because of it. Felt the ugliest because I couldn’t crack a smile without my mouth twisting. I know what is like to feel to have a dis formed face, not knowing if it would ever correct itself and having to go day by day pretending that I was ok with it.

I am blessed to have dealt with that and overcome it, it’s all those things that gave lead me to my decision and given me the confidence I have as a man, being able to truly know how to embrace my flaws and know that whatever decision I make is just to make myself better than what I already am.

I want this #McQueen

The only good thing of never visiting my grandpa at the hospital is that when I think of him I don’t see him in that state. I picture him like I did when I was a child, i picture him healthy and telling me to eat all my eggs because they will make me strong.

I lost my mind in the snow. The day was bright as the sunlight illuminated from the sky to the ground for all my insanity to show. My eyes turned white and my mouth open wide, the pains of heart began to flow. I lost my mind in the snow.

You saw me screaming.
You felt me falling into the blackened grounds, the moist dirt that is seen in patches where the snow is no more. Seeping into the earth like the light that was in my eyes, but was no more. I lost my mind in the snow.

Tell me lover, we fall so hard, deep in each others water and when everything seems fairytale, like a winter wonder land so I ask again lover how is it that in that wonderland, the snow is the love and light, the moist dirt is the dark we once fought and the water that forms from the heated light can some time turn to ice. Is it our devil inside? Is it the demons come to play, to celebrate that the love we have is at brink?

I saw the ice that was forming and I needed to let go, buried my heart and lost my mind in the snow.